In my situation as an autistic adult, it could be seen that when people interact with me, that I may flinch or swerve away to avoid this interaction; this in time has become something that I am more aware of consciously. To this day, I do not completely understand but I can try to comprehend. As I grow older I am aware that my consciousness as a human being grows, to an extent where the world around me acts only as if a dream, I pass through its reality and it passes right through me.
I grew up as a ‘normal child’ at the time, prior to my diagnosis as autistic, where I lived with my parents all the way until sixteen. I did what most children my age do, I went to school and I went to my lessons, came home, played games, socialised sometimes and went to sleep. It was not until 2004 when my diagnosis came to light – until then, my parents had seen my behaviour as naughty or unruly. I once stated bluntly to a Maths teacher, who I had the utmost respect for, that I would not sit next to one of her pupil’s because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work if I did – her reaction was unfortunately negative, sending me to detention for simply denying what I saw as a logical request.
In the same countless years, I have experienced bullying like any child shouldn’t have to and I don’t mean that in a ‘special’ way but in saying that no child should ever be a victim to bullying. I have experienced this throughout my entire time in school, from a very early young age to later a teen when you’d think by then that maybe they would have grown up and stopped. I still think back now, at the age of 23 and 4 months, that all this could have been avoided somehow and that I would not be sat here writing this to you today. I do not regret that I am writing this as I am hoping someone reads this and understands that bullying isn’t cool nor is corporal punishment – start the road to a better future by seeing how your actions affect others and how your successors (if so) affect others even in their early years of development.
I write now at said age, having experienced a better life since my diagnosis and after leaving sixth form, where I held quite a fair bit of negative memories that lingered until halfway through my University degree. By that point, I had been on anti-depressants for almost a year or so, having needed them to recover from the ills of a bad period of time that I will not go into until a later date after this has been posted. I am still on those anti-depressants (sertraline if you’re curious to know) and between then, my life has significantly changed, if mostly for the better.
As I discussed previously, I am becoming more aware of my existence within the world and my place, to a point that I acknowledge that such memories as these, no matter how painful they are, trigger on a lapse of thought that can only be described as watching a video tape on repeat, with the included static from aging decay and distortion due to memory issues where there’s just a mess of tapes, their entrails hanging out and interweaving. I commonly state most things are connected, if not everything is, as small as these connections may be – they are still significant in the deciphering of memories and in the process of aiding the recovery from these.
For now, I’m signing off this draft, I wrote this because it has beared a heavy weight on my chest and I know that by telling someone (you, yes you) that I can now work on freeing myself from the shackle of my past memories and with hope to build a more stable, happy and safe future for myself.