In my second year of University study, I took my practice back onto a personal level – this year, I was to focus on my autism and how it affected me as an artist with autism and as an individual living with autism. I had not at this point realised that in my foundation year prior to University, I had tapped into this when working around relationships. I had repeated this same situation in my final year, having turned my focus onto music – strangely enough, into just a short half year after graduating, I had come to realise how closely linked my creative flow was with my autism – I had made music that was seen in my mind through its own systems, rather than conventional systems that I was already aware of.
I still to this point, write closely or on the subject, so what is to follow, is my most recent collection of writings, that follow the past few days, where I had been feeling anxious. I have only just come to terms with what we call, loss and it comes in many forms this time around. But without further ado, the following as promised.
Process and Value
You cannot seem to process man’s values as emotion or feeling – it is often linked to your sensory or nervous system of which responds as appropriate but in a sudden instance, it feels like all the wiring that connects you to your own unique feelings and emotions has become short-circuited and that as a human, you no longer feel. You no longer see your own feelings but those of others, lost in the fabric of the web that now shrouds even your own spectrum of feeling, let alone your emotions, in dust. These are left to molder over time into a manifestation most foul and into a beast you cannot control. You fear yourself becoming the beast with no choice but to either break away from living or risk your becoming of the beast.
Subdued and Numb
In the time it has taken to free yourself of the shackles of subdued living, you have been at the utmost presently delaying yourself from the wicked temperament of the storm that coincides. You are now drowned under, unable to swim in the sea, a puddle of your own tears as you fall victim to the fears you denied that resided within you, once dormant now restless as each and every fiber painstakingly aches. You seem only now to wonder as you drag yourself along the cold winding road, as all feeling escapes you and you grow numb to the touch. Your smile now insists that it avoids you as a shadowless figure, in the void now as it beckons you onto insanity as you lead yourself down this winding path onwards to nowhere and beyond your grasp.
How Do You Feel?
It is not a question of how I feel – rather it is a question of what I feel when I have truly lost sight of my own emotions. What I feel is important to me, is what I feel, knowing this is what I want and need, but yet I ask again, what do I feel. What I know is I need time, I want love, I need friends, I want a home, I need love, but I am mistaken for being too cold for anyone, even when the ice thaws, that it freezes over again but I am not a man with a heart of ice nor one to wield a dagger to those as fragile as glass.
What is the ‘IF’ project?
The project is a stem of my current work developments, towards my research in sound art – these works entail the thoughts of those submitted over the last week and played back as scores for a composition, individual to each submission. I have had a generous amount of submissions, all varying from the three choices of I Think That, I Understand That and I Dream That – all of which differ, creating unique, odd and surprisingly intriguing compositions.
What is the progress so far?
So far, four out of the remaining compositions have been made; I have struggled over the weekend due to sheer workload out of the project and so, making these as I go along – all participants will be e-mailed a link to their composition when it’s done, however, if you left the email field blank, I am afraid I’ll have to leave you to hunt it down through its dedicated folder on my Dropbox. I’m hoping to complete all these by the end of the week and keep to my promise – e-mails will be depreciated from future records as said.
Can I have a listen?
Yes – all current compositions are available to listen here: https://db.tt/5zORLpyz