I remember as a child, when I was attending school and slowly into the early stages of college, that I would refer to a shell. This shell acted as a protective barrier, allowing in only so much and the same for letting out. I used to frequently return to my shell and over the years I’ve stepped out of it, supposedly coping fine with no problem whatsoever.
I realise now that this shell was shielding me past the point, where I kept it up for as long as I could, not noticing that after time, it had begun to degrade as it’s presence became forgotten. It was around the same time that I was opening my heart for the very first time to someone and normally I don’t do this often unless I feel it’s safe. But what came after left me wounded.
The problem with opening my heart, was that once the floodgate was opened, it won’t close easily. I learned this the hard way wasting away precious blood, sweat and tears trying to hope whatever had opened it would close it. However it could not be closed and I left myself open and vulnerable to tampering, which led me to trouble I had hoped I would never be a part of.
To this day, my heart is still open but I am rebuilding my shield in hopes that this will mend my heart or otherwise give me the control over the floodgates so that I may feel my heart as a whole and only open it again when I know truly that they’ll give me theirs if mine becomes broken.
That’s enough for today.
In my second year of University study, I took my practice back onto a personal level – this year, I was to focus on my autism and how it affected me as an artist with autism and as an individual living with autism. I had not at this point realised that in my foundation year prior to University, I had tapped into this when working around relationships. I had repeated this same situation in my final year, having turned my focus onto music – strangely enough, into just a short half year after graduating, I had come to realise how closely linked my creative flow was with my autism – I had made music that was seen in my mind through its own systems, rather than conventional systems that I was already aware of.
I still to this point, write closely or on the subject, so what is to follow, is my most recent collection of writings, that follow the past few days, where I had been feeling anxious. I have only just come to terms with what we call, loss and it comes in many forms this time around. But without further ado, the following as promised.
Process and Value
You cannot seem to process man’s values as emotion or feeling – it is often linked to your sensory or nervous system of which responds as appropriate but in a sudden instance, it feels like all the wiring that connects you to your own unique feelings and emotions has become short-circuited and that as a human, you no longer feel. You no longer see your own feelings but those of others, lost in the fabric of the web that now shrouds even your own spectrum of feeling, let alone your emotions, in dust. These are left to molder over time into a manifestation most foul and into a beast you cannot control. You fear yourself becoming the beast with no choice but to either break away from living or risk your becoming of the beast.
Subdued and Numb
In the time it has taken to free yourself of the shackles of subdued living, you have been at the utmost presently delaying yourself from the wicked temperament of the storm that coincides. You are now drowned under, unable to swim in the sea, a puddle of your own tears as you fall victim to the fears you denied that resided within you, once dormant now restless as each and every fiber painstakingly aches. You seem only now to wonder as you drag yourself along the cold winding road, as all feeling escapes you and you grow numb to the touch. Your smile now insists that it avoids you as a shadowless figure, in the void now as it beckons you onto insanity as you lead yourself down this winding path onwards to nowhere and beyond your grasp.
How Do You Feel?
It is not a question of how I feel – rather it is a question of what I feel when I have truly lost sight of my own emotions. What I feel is important to me, is what I feel, knowing this is what I want and need, but yet I ask again, what do I feel. What I know is I need time, I want love, I need friends, I want a home, I need love, but I am mistaken for being too cold for anyone, even when the ice thaws, that it freezes over again but I am not a man with a heart of ice nor one to wield a dagger to those as fragile as glass.
This is not a room for creativity, where walls of concrete strip bare the flesh of any informalities that may lead to a distinguishment between what could be considered to be an act of free will, to give onto one’s own personality, a sense of feeling and individuality, that cannot be prescribed by the doctor. He only prescribes you with a prescription, for nothing but the same round of pills, you nervously acknowledge would help but don’t solve the problem until you put your foot down.
Lately, these words have dictated your actions – your free will is no longer, you must abide by a strict code otherwise you will be eliminated for actions, unjust and blasphemous. Should you develop any form of resistance, the doctor will simply prescribe you another round and we can only hope that you lose whatever holds you onto such empty dreams, false ambitions and lies you tell yourself you’ll achieve in the near future.
However, as a candidate for our programme, not acting as anyone but myself on this occasion, to you – I recommend this, if you survive, that you don’t give up on what makes you happy, what makes you unique and what makes you live out your life – because if you don’t, no one is going to live your life for you and it’s yours to live as you wish, so live it to the fullest.
I wish you the best of luck.
Hey there guys,
I’m currently reworking Terminus Infinite, to be a more inclusive hub for my work; I currently operate over a split set of websites, which causes issue for keeping information circulated, so at the moment, I’m combining my blog and my portfolio into one, to save us both a little bit of fuss when it comes to ensuring that this policy is kept in place.
Terminus Infinite, is remaining as a pseudo name, that I will perform under, only under circumstances where I’m enacting a multimedia performance, examples of which are available on my YouTube, which is also in need of updates. As said, maintaining information over various websites gets a little difficult, such as where I’ve had my portfolio before; my Graphics Design (current) is on Behance, my Photography is on Flickr (which isn’t actually an issue) and my Writing is normally on Smashwords (but under self-review).
I’m hoping to sort this all in the next few months.